Good Article

This was sent to me through a work email.  The executive director of our state coalition, sent this around through a list-serve to the directors and administrators of all the Kansas DV/SA programs, and then my supervisor forwarded it on to us.  I think this article does a really good job of summing up what the media in America tends to do with what could be a really good moment to enlighten people about the realities of domestic violence. -Nan

Domestic Abuse Myths

Five mistakes we make when we talk about Rihanna and Chris Brown‘s relationship.

Raina Kelley

Newsweek Web Exclusive

Last week, R&B singer Chris Brown was formally charged with two felonies, assault and making criminal threats, in connection with the alleged beating of his pop-star girlfriend Rihanna on Feb. 8. Though we will never know exactly what happened that night, many of us have seen Rihanna’s bruised and bloodied face on the front pages and read horrific details of the alleged attack from the affidavit of a LAPD detective in which he describes contusions on the singer’s body. At same time, rumors are that the 21-year-old singer is back in a relationship with Brown, whom she has accused, according to the affidavit, of biting, choking and punching her until her mouth filled with blood.

While we can argue about how much of all that is true, it really doesn’t matter. This sad story doesn’t have to be verifiable for it to potentially warp how Rihanna’s hundreds of thousands of tween fans think about intimate relationships. We’ve all heard that this should be a “teachable moment”—a chance to talk about domestic violence with our kids. But children and teens aren’t just listening to your lectures, they’re listening to the way you speculate about the case with other adults; they’re absorbing how the media describes it; they’re reading gossip Web sites. When you tune into to all the talk about Rihanna and Chris Brown, it’s scary how the same persistent domestic-violence myths continue to be perpetuated. Celebrity scandals may have a short shelf life, but what we teach kids about domestic violence will last forever. So rather than “raise awareness,” here are five myths that anyone with a child should take time to debunk: 

Myth No. 1: It was a domestic argument, and she provoked him
We need to remember that any discussion of domestic violence should not revolve around what the couple may have been arguing about, or as one CNN anchor put it: “the incident that sparked the fight.” Nor should we be using the word “provoked” when describing this case, as in the Associated Press account that said the “argument” was “provoked” by Rihanna’s “discovery of a text message from another woman.” Domestic violence has to do with, well, physical violence, not arguments. There isn’t a verbal argument that should “spark” or “provoke” an attack of the kind that leaves one person with wounds that require medical attention.

Cable news has to stop referring to this incident as a “violent fight.” A “fight” involves two people hitting each other, not—as is alleged in this case—a woman cowering in a car while a man punches and bites her. If Rihanna had called the police beaten and bloodied and alleging an attack of this nature by a stranger, no one would be calling it a “fight.” They’d say that a man was being accused of severely beating and choking a young woman half his size.

Myth No. 2: Evolution makes us do it
Steven Stosny, a counselor and founder of an organization that treats anger-management issues believes that the tragic tendency of women to return to the men who hurt them (battered-woman syndrome) is a product of evolution. Stosny was quoted on CNN.com as saying “To leave an attachment relationship—a relationship where there’s an emotional bond—meant certain death by starvation or saber-tooth tiger.”

Apologies to Mr. Stosny, but that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. This is the kind of argument that really boils my blood because it seems to naturalize the torture of women. Very little is known about the emotional attachments of early humans. And trust me, after 50,000 years, our fear of saber-tooth tigers has abated. In most domestic-abuse cases, we’re talking about a situation where one person is wielding power over an individual through pain, fear and domination. It’s not about being scared to leave because of the dangers that await you in the world, it’s about being too scared of what’s at home to leave. 

Myth No. 3: People make mistakes. Give the guy a break
When singer Kanye West talked about the Rihanna-Brown case with his VH1 audience recently, he asked: “Can’t we give Chris a break? … I know I make mistakes in life.”  Kanye’s not the only one saying this kind of thing, so let’s get something straight: People leave the oven on or fry turkeys in the garage and burn their house down. One may even accidentally step on the gas instead of the brake and run over the family cat. Mistakes resulting in tragic consequences happen all the time. But one cannot mistakenly beat someone up. You do not accidentally give someone black eyes, a broken nose and a split lip.  

Myth No. 4: Brown said he was sorry and they’re working it out
Experts will tell you that domestic violence is an escalating series of attacks (not fights) designed to increase a victim’s dependence on her abuser. According to the police documents released last week, Rihanna told police that Brown had hit her before and it was getting worse. Sorry means you don’t do it again. In discussions about abuse, we need to make it clear that sorry is not enough.

 Myth No. 5: She’s young, rich and beautiful. If it was really as bad as the media says, she’d leave
The secret to the abuser’s power is not only making his victim dependent on him, but convincing her that she is to blame for the attack. No amount of money or fame can protect someone from the terrible cycle of emotional dependence, shame and fear that keeps them with abusive partners. Women who are abused look for ways they may have “provoked” an attack, finding fault with their own behavior to explain the unexplainable—why would someone they love hurt them? And it doesn’t help when people outside the relationship blame the victim. In this case, Phylicia Thompson, a cousin of Brown’s, told “Extra TV” that, “Chris was not brought up to beat on a woman. So it had to be something to provoke him for Chris to do it.”  As the rumors swirlabout whether Rihanna is back with Brown, understand that those who are abused do not stay with their abusers because they want to be beaten again, or because they are really at fault; it’s usually because they feel trapped and guilty.

 You may have noticed that the words power, control and domination running through my rant. That was purposeful. What we need to remember, and what we need to teach our children, is that yes, you should never hit anybody and you should never let anybody hit you. But, we also need to tell them that love does not guarantee respect and that any relationship they find themselves involved in should be based on both equally. 

URL: http://www.newsweek.com/id/188353

Dreams…I love them…

So I know some are going to think I’m crazy, but my Dad called me yesterday to tell me he found a place in Wichita that will cremate Ricki for $145, and she’ll come home in a nice cherry wooden box.  I’m totally cool with that.  I, for some reason, just can not have Ricki buried in the ground in a place where I can’t guarantee that I will not be able to visit her there.  My Dad is getting more and more frustrated with his neighbors and is always talking about moving, and I believe one of these days, when the right house comes around, he’ll be serious about it.  And I refuse to dig her out of the ground and move her, because that’s just not right.  So, I’m having her cremated so I can move her where ever I am, and can be near her, and then some day she can be buried with me.  I just feel that’s best for me. 

But going back to the title of my post, I was able to dream about Ricki last night, and I’m confident she’s back to her fat, happy, healthy self in Kitty Heaven.  Or real Heaven, I know she’ll be there with me when I get there, and Jamie, I’m sure she’s tormenting April there too.  We did find them sleeping together WAY too often for them not to be friends. 

I know I’ve told several people about how I was able to dream about Dan Trial, Brian Arellano, and my Grandpa (with the help of a psychic-not what it sounds like), a few days after they passed (with grandpa it took 18 years), but I was able to dream about them and say my good-byes.  I doesn’t happen with everyone I know that passes, but with people that I have a special connection to.  And Nikki was able to say goodbye to Krystal Aarstead this way too, and I had never told her about my experiences until after she told me about hers.   So my point is, that I am so grateful for dreams.    

In my dream, I was hanging out with Edith, Cat, Jamie, and Jill on the roof of Edith’s old house (by her bedroom), but there was this ramp like thing twisting up to it.  But the back yard near it, was my parents backyard, and we were hanging out on a picnic table.  Then Nolan and Ethan, and some of their high school friends came over and they were playing soccer in the yard.  So then us girls were hanging out on the picnic table, and then something burrowed out of the ground really quickly, and at first it was a squirrel, and then it turned into Ricki. I’m not sure, it was weird.  But she came right to me and let me hug and squeeze all over her, and she was throwing her head into my face so I could kiss her forehead like I always did.  And she was back to her plump, happy self, and was purring up a storm.  I didn’t quite realize it in my dream what was going on, so I was just pumped to see her, and she isn’t human so she couldn’t talk back to me in English, but when I woke up this morning I realized what had happened. 

I worked too many hours last week, and this week, so I’m not going into work until 1pm, so I was able to sleep in,  and I’m grateful.  I was able to enjoy my dream…

July 4, 1993-March 10, 2009

So my dad called me today to tell me that he found Ricki under their bed.  He saw her last yesterday around 1pm, and she was still happy and purring then, so I know she went in her own time, and that she was not in too much pain.  She only weighed 5 lbs, a far cry from her usual 14 lbs.  And I’m so happy that I was able to see her a week and a half ago. 

I don’t feel the need to show any current photos of her, or any from over the past year, I will always remember her this way, so this is how I will display her.

This is my favorite photo of her: 

Such a pretty kitty…

I love that the minute I got her this bed for her, she loved it, and slept in it all the time. 

And would do cute things in it.

And she allowed me to torment her every so often.

And she was great.

She’s yawning in this picture, by the way.  I just think she’s too cute.

Two weekends ago when I was home, she still slept in my bed the whole time so she could be near me and my stuff.  She came into the bathroom with me and drank my bath water like she did every morning when we lived together.  And I would kiss her forehead.

She was a great kitty and will be deeply missed, but I know she knew I loved her, and she will always be my kitty…